Keyboard Pecker.

The Chief Keyboard Pecker

Office of the Keyboard Pecking Unit, PML-N


Journalistic Adulteration

As the world of print journalism goes through a metamorphosis induced by the information revolution and social media revolution, I intend to voice my concerns about the disservice that some news organizations cause.

The News International is the arguably the premier english language newspaper published daily in major cities of Pakistan. I grew up reading The News more so than any other newspaper. I like the The News International.

There was a story in The News on March 7th. “Unannounced settlement likely between Pak-US spy agencies” by Amir Mir (Hamid mir’s brother perhaps?). This piece was catalogued under this path on the website of the newspaper: “Home > News > National”. Which means this piece is catagoized as news, which it is not!

The principles of Journalistic integrity demand all journalists to report the facts (and withhold their Opinion when it comes to News). That is, to respond to the 5 Ws and one H of journalism: Who, What, Where, When, Why and How. That is news. No more, no less. Simple.

In this case we have a writer framing an arguement based on factual premises. He is making a point (his opinion). He has taken random bits of information and designed a very cohesive narrative. While the narrative has its merits, it still is not what is conventional “news”, therefore it should not be presented to the unsuspecting reader as such.

This piece is better suited in the ‘Opinion’ section (no liability for the Newspaper). If the Newspaper believes in the story as an institution; If the paper wants to throw the weight of its support behind this story then featuring this article as an Editorial or Opinionated Editorial would also make sense. But certainly not news.

I encourage you, Pakistan Spectators (patrons here) to denounce such professional misconduct. Let usnot let this become yet another indication of the acute decadence that our society has been undergoing (particularly in the past decade). Let us take the initiate to stop this phenomena of milavat(adulteration). Let us start by saying no to all deviance from facts. Let us start aligning ourselves with “haq ki taqat” (the power of facts).

Jo na jaanay Haq ki taqat

Rab na daway usko himat

– Baba Bulleh Shah

Why Sami? Why ??? Why must you …

Dear Mumnd Sami,

You’ve been trying to learn english since your childhood?? Your appearance bears witness to the considerable amount of duration that maybe …

Maybe that’s why your cricket career never really got in its groove.. maybe, had u focused on cricket and not other shenanigans you’d have been more relevant to the contemporary narrative of Cricket Pakistan… but that’s okay, who cares … being able to speak english is not ‘be all end all’. I mean, if someone judges you based on the level of sophistication of your expression in english, then that’s their problem—not yours.

But! people should judge you on your decision making skills. Either you have a posse/entourage of imbeciles  who lack the audacity required for integrity or you have developed an odd immunity to words of reason and responsibility.

At the end of the day you are responsible for your actions, I can’t really say that the British Council wala banda manipulated you into being exploited because the discourse seems pretty consensual. You seem eager to be taped….

All I am saying is.. if the sextape makes your consent obvious … you can’t really cry “rape!” after…

Policy Capacity and ‘Adhocistan’

Orignally Written on April 29th 2011

Why do we lack Policy Capacity? Why is it appropriate to label us ‘Adhocistan’?


***PML-Q is expected to get five ministries according to the power-sharing formula and the federal secretaries are also expected to be appointed by the party.***

I don’t think these Politicians have any idea as to what “Policy Capacity” is.
Waisay bhi, why would anyone in Adoc-istan know what Policy or Policy Capacity is …

At its core, Policy is a plan of action (or even plan of inaction, so long as its planned [inteded]) and generally speaking Policy Capacity is the ability to articulate a policy-

Translation: If Policy is a plan then policy capacity is the ability to devise a plan.

Policy Capacity of a ministry or department is dependent on the regular employees (selected, or appointed or hired as oppose to elected) of this ministry or department. Public Servants with experience bring policy capacity to their respective departments same way an experienced and seasoned sport(wo)man adds to the team. The experience bit adds a new dimension to the teams outlook and perspective.

In Adhocistan, our land of the Putrid and forsaken, everytime a junior partner in the ruling coalition changes; there are changes made to not only the elected cabinet – ministers but also to the selected, appointed and hired public servants.  Public servants are (supposed to be) apolitical agents that get the public policy (public’s plan of action on a perceived problem) in action.

Our model of public policy and public administration is so effin’ messed up…
How ridiculous would it be to let Aisam ul haq become the captain of the national Kabudi team? Or Let Actor Shaan be the Secretary Finance Division? or Let PTV be managed by Misbah Ul Haq?

Why do we allow and become silent witnesses to unnecessary shake-ups in “Bureaucracies” or Public services Hierarchies? Why have we granted the PM or the Government or the Ruling Government the riight to shake the shit out of public service departments under the guise of “cleaning up the house”

Public Service mein, more than anything else, tasulsol ki zarurat hai
Lets the Federal Secretary for Water or for Information or for Railways or Oil and Gas be hired and retire as such. ( I feel should too are tired of being thrown around different depts)

We (citizens of pakistan) need to demand that the government appoint/hire/promote individuals to public service based on competencies and experience–merit. Rather than appoint someone based on chachay kay phuphay kay mochi ki beti ki billay kay dost aka. nepotism.

This is preposturous that just because PMLQ is a part of a ruling government they get to decide who the personnel, rendering some critical public serivces and deliberating on Public good, would be (vis-a-vis [as part of the deal] federal secretaries are also expected to be appointed by the party)….

fuckin’ bonkers yo!

One thing led to another …

I am eagerly waiting for you to send me hate-mail. Please direct the pleasantries to: Thank you for your consideration, in advance.

This post is bizarre. Its about many bizarre discoveries…

Generally speaking, I can attribute these discoveries to @OmarWaraich.


Well firstoff, a Disclaimer:- I don’t Know Omar Waraich personally and he did not intentionally lead or influence me towards these discoveries. However, his choice of display picture on Twitter had some … *how do i put this* … unintended consequences…?

Before I proceed with my spiel, courtesy makes it necessary to send out an apology to Omar for using his dp without his consent.

So … I recently joined twitter. I found OmarWaraich as a source of very informative tweets and re-tweets about Pakistan. He covers and reports on Pakistan for Time Magazine (

Omars display picture on twitter is …

Step Aside Malboro Man!

This picture is so bad-ass that it makes the Marlboro-man look like a 49 years old virgin on a pony. The bad-ass-ness of this picture reminded me of similar bad-ass-ness exhibited by the Chief Minister of Punjab while posing for Banners for the 2008 Elections…

I am referring to the bad-ness-ness manifested by the frivolous use of the right hand. I fully understand that this is a value judgement on my part. After all, Omar would contend that the hand’s purpose is to ensure the cigarette has an appropriate resting place within the frame of the picture. And similarly Chotay Mian (Sa’ab) could justify the hand as being a pivotal portion of his extended face.

My first instinct was to tweet to @Omarwaraich that his DP is ‘bad-ass-ness personified’ and that it reminded me of Chotay-Mian (sa’ab). I anticipated Omar to respond with a request to rationalize my claim and this anticipation is what led to the REAL discovery…

I searched for “Shahbaz Sharif” on Google Images so that I could send a link of the above picture to Omar Waraich. Searching for the picture I stumbled upon a website known as which, apparently, is operated by this guy…

After some research, I discovered that this is NOT the official website of PML-N.Rather, its owned and operated by the dude above who is from Pir Mahal, a town near Faisalabad. He is the President of the PML-N Youth Wing for Pir Mahal.

But that fact does not discount the absurdity and bizarreness of this website and does not make it seem any less like ‘The Official PML-N website’ …

One is greeted to the website with the following banner…

I am not sure which kind of irony is more obvious/appropriate in/for the above banner… dramatic, Socratic or just plain comic irony?

What Iqbal was to Jinnah is pretty simple. If Iqbal was the thought; Jinnah was the action.

The metaphor and symbolism doesn’t quite stay true for the Mian-bradarayn (brothers). To compare Shahbaz with Iqbal and Nawaz with Jinnah is NOT naivete. Its Criminal! And such an act should be made part of the hudood ordinance and a chargeable/blasphemous offence under Pakistan Penal Code!

Khair, coming back to the bad-ass-ness; I don’t know if the culprit behind Omar Waraich’s bad-ass-ness is Omar himself but in case of Chotay Mian (sa’ab) the credit maybe attributable to this guy …

Muhammad Amir Khan (sa’ab, of course), the Chief Photographer to The Chief Minister Punjab.

Excuse you?

Yes, Thats right. You read it right… Amir Khan is not a Deputy Chief Photographer or the Deputy to the Chief Photographer, he is, in fact, the CHIEF Photographer for the ever-so-esthetically-appealing Chotay Mian (Sa’ab).

Speaking of Chotay Mian’s (and Motay Mian sa’ab)’s esthetics … These guys sure have a healthy enough sense of self-image and self-esteem to keep a photography team worthy of being managed by a Chief of Staff!

One would imagine they suffered from self-image issues that are usually experienced by teenaged girls – after all, the hair transplants can only be perceived as a solution to a problem!

But then Perceptions are not necessarily equal to reality. In fact they rarely are. So, I could be wrong about my perception of the body/self image issues of the Mian Bradaryn (brothers) … You know what… actually, I AM wrong about the Mian sa’abs. And I confess to being wrong because what kind of complexed individual with self-esteem issues would ever have a page dedicated to large posters and full-page sized cut-outs of himself!?!

That was a rhetorical Question … but if you insist, the answer is: not a complexed person!

Going with that logic, the following page vindicates the Mian bradarayn of any cognitive behavorial issues….

Confidence is the direct consequence of courage. I am coming to realize that this post has become more about Courage than anything else. After all a political party that has a Tiger as its mascot is obviously alluding to courage with symbolism!

What is courage? Courage, in layman terms, is ‘doing the right thing’. And clearly, Chotay Mian (sa’ab) has been doing the right thing. I mean, One is not bestowed upon with a rehmat like Hamza Shahbaz without doing the right things (wink wink).

If the above mentioned page vindicates Mian Nawaz Sharif of self-esteem issues, then the birth of Hamza Shahbaz (and his evolutionary journey to being who he is), vouches for Chotay Mian’s (sa’ab) courage(and confidence).

These priceless characteristics run through the Sharif family. Its got to be genetics! If anyone was to tell me that the family lacked either courage or confidence. I’d personally castrate that individual!


Allow me to explain my claim …  Remember those pin-up girls from Sport Illustrated Magazine’s Calender and those pin-up men from Fire-fighters’ Calenders?

These are calenders with sexually suggestive nature. They are not really instruments designed JUST to keep track of the day, date and month, as you might have already guessed.

These Calenders are produced as a response to a demand. (Unfortunately for them) A lot of guys and girls can only ‘get it ouun’ from these calendars.

Guess what, it turns out that the same kinds of needs or desires or problems are exhibited by the Jiyala class (political worker or party patron) of PML-N. The leadership knows of this quagmire too well and displaying the trademark courage and confidence Hamza Shahbaz took this task as a personal goal.

The goal was to ensure that the Jiyala class is fully satisfied. How did he do it? Check it out here 

No person with a deficiency of the righteous traits of courage and confidence would be able to feature in such a Calendar. This, in fact, is not a calender. Remember, these kinds of publications are not to keep track of the day, date and month. These have ulterior motives. The motif in this context was to ‘satisfy’ a demand of the PML-N Jiyalas and to display confidence by way of courage! I don’t know much, but I know this is a job done great on Hamza’s part!

Verily without such an endowment the PML-N working class(jiyala) would be terribly frustrated. And to subject oneself to being an object of pleasure for others is truly confident, courageous and bizarre all at the same time.

These are just a few of the fantastic findings from Its truly bizarre how a random search for an image led me to such a treasure trove of awesomeness.

Ps. Thank you Omar Waraich!


The location of the mouse-trap and the timing of the consequent catch is the prerogative of the mouse-catcher.

Orignally Written May 2nd, 2011


Ok, so the US had intelligence on the whereabouts of Osama since May 2010

(see: Notes on the Death of Osama bin Laden)

Few questions that come to my mind ….

– What were the factors that led to the US timing of this Osama bin Laden Kill-op?

– Are there any connections between the timing of the OBL kill-op and the shuffle at the top bracket of US Afghan Command, Pentagon and CIA?

– Is there any connection between the timing of the catch and the recent meeting between the Heads of State of Pakistan and Afghanistan, where Pakistan allegedly asked Karzai to rebuff long-term American strategic goals for the region (see:Pakistans Boldness reveals Americas Weakeness)

– Osama being a fugitive numero uno was probably on the move ALOT. I wouldn’t be surpirsed if more “million dollar Mansions” are discovered. I wonder if the catch-and-kill op was orchestrated to be in Abbotabad intentionally -“stones throw away from Islamabad” (see: Notes on the Death of Osama bin Laden)

– I wonder why the ISPR is sooo mum? I wonder what General Kiyani and General Pasha are thinking in their minds … (omg, we are sooo fucked?!)

The four main characters of the story of ‘War on Terror’ …

Orignally written on May 4th 2011 for

War on Terror - An Adapted Screenplay in the Making

War on Terror is a story being perpetually written. This narrative has four major characters as far as I am concerned.


Al Qaeda, the story’s main antagonist, starts beef with the US, the stories main protagonist.

After starting shit with the US, Al Qaeda goes and seeks refuge with the stories minor antagonist, the Taliban.

The US being the mighty protagonist and in effect the narrator of the story, decides that it wont take shit from anybody on the block, b’coz its … well … bad-ass!

In order to seek its revenge the US re-engineers an alliance with an estranged bedfellow, Pakistan, which is introduced to the story as a minor protagonist.

With the support of its minor protagonist(Pakistan) the US starts an assault to take out the antagonists. It states that its aim is to obliterate the main antagonist, Al Qaeda, and in doing so it shall not show any mercy to the Taliban.

Mid-way in the story the plot gets complicated when the Alliance of the righteous protagonists(US-Pakistan Cooperation) starts to show fissures. US starts suspecting and believing that Pakistan, its main ally in its purposeful crusade has been flirting  .. maybe even dirty-talking with the Taliban.

In a bid to straighten things out and work out any differences the US confronts Pakistan vis-a-vis perceived affiliation with the minor antagonist of the story, the Taliban.

Pakistan denies US’s suspicion and says that US maybe doubting Pakistans commitment because Pakistan can only work at its own pace which might not be what the US expects.



Pakistan and US, being allies, respected each others privacy and never showed up unannounced at the others home(land). EVER.

Until one moonless night, US sneaks into Pakistan’s home and goes to a backward-cornerish-under-abovish location and discovers Al Qaeda sleeping there.

US in all its rage and with all its fury destroys the fuck out of Al Qaeda. And then it takes Al Qaedas body and gives it an honorable and ceremonially religious burial at sea….


Whats going to happen next? How will US confront Pakistan this time? What will Pakistan say abt the creepy crawler Qaeda Caught and killed in the backward-corner of its compound? –

Stay tune as the Protagonists write the next chapters in “War on Terror”